Disaster...

Well.  That was an effing disaster.

We are currently interviewing au pairs and had a second interview tonight with someone.  30 seconds prior to the call, my children were sitting nicely, colouring.

As soon as the call came through on the computer, however, both children morphed into the spawn of Satan.  They shrieked nonstop through the first 5 minutes of the call, so the poor German teenager couldn't hear anything.  I bribed them with oranges and sent them to the living room.  The TV sound wasn't working for some reason.  Lunatic Child became despondent, then irate.

I tried to fix the sound whilst still trying to speak to this poor child on Skype, who was becoming increasingly confused at his train wreck of an interview.  I did not succeed. I left Lunatic Child frantically poking all the buttons on the remote and went back to the dining room.

30 seconds later, all hell has broken loose in the lounge because Trouble has stolen Lunatic Child's orange.  Lunatic Child has whacked Trouble.  Everyone is crying and screaming that life is not fair.  It is complete and utter chaos.  My children are out of control.  Lunatic Child is writhing on the ground refusing to get up.  Trouble is crying into a pillow on the sofa.  I am attempting to manage the crisis in a calm fashion and failing utterly.

I have to hang up on this poor kid and proceed to lose my shit at my recalcitrant children.  Lunatic Child had to go to his room.  Trouble had to sit on the naughty step.  No one got a damn orange.

I fixed the unspeakable TV and parked the kids in front of it.  I called the poor au pair back.  He had no idea what the hell was going on.  I gave up and told him I'd email him tomorrow.  He is currently rethinking his life choices and will probably skip the gap year and just go to university.

I then proceeded to spill a jar of spice on the floor whilst cooking dinner and my omelette was disgusting.

I ate it anyway in a giant sulk and then had a Penguin because tonight, at least, I feel bad about my life.

Harried Holidays

Well, the Reids have returned from another 'holiday' .  I use the word advisedly.  Traveling with 2 kids and a dog and staying in the Lakes District in April, does not, in my book, qualify as a relaxing vacation.  We essentially packed up all our shit, dragged it up to the Lakes District where it all became completely covered in mud, and then went home and washed it all.

Having said that, the dog was definitely living his best life.  We went for long walks every day, which the dog enjoyed the hell out of.  So many new smells!  And we stayed on a farm.  The cows were VERY interesting.  The pigs were VERY interesting.  The farm dog was VERY interesting and also slightly intimidating...He was very happy.

Lunatic Child and Trouble also had a great time.  We had one day of beautiful weather and went for a walk along one of the lakes.  There were so many rocks to throw into the water and so little time!  Lunatic Child found a dead frog, and it may have been the highlight of his young life.  Trouble dropped a massive deuce on the beach, which we quietly buried and then snuck away.  Trouble gives you about 30 seconds' notice between stating a need to poop and then actually doing it.  There's barely time to get the trousers down most of the time, but at least he's now telling you instead of sneaking off into a corner and doing it in his underwear.  We took a boat trip on a lake one day, which to be honest went on about 2 hours longer than it should have for the attention span of the kids, but live and learn.  We also took a tour of a slate mine, which was a disaster.  It was ridiculously cold and extremely slow moving.  Lunatic Child was not impressed and said so, loudly and repeatedly.  Which was ideal considering there were about 8 people on the tour, including Lunatic Child and Trouble.

Nature was omnipresent on our holiday, and Lunatic Child saw the Circle of Life in its entirety, without us intending to have introduced him to such concepts as sex, birth and death...  In addition to the dead frog, we came across a dead lamb, which Lunatic Child was oddly complacent about.  I don't think he understands that it's permanent.  I decided not to wade into those waters quite yet, as we had enough to be getting on with considering all the sex and birth.  We went to the cow shed to look at the calves, and a cow was LITERALLY dropping a calf that second.  You could see its head coming out her vagina.  Lunatic Child asked if she was pooping it out.  Again, I was not prepared to explain the mechanics of birth.  Oops.  In addition, whilst Lunatic Child and I were out for a walk, we came across some donkeys in a field having copious and frenetic sex.  So, the holiday was quite educational  in that regard.

By the end, however, everyone was a bit tired and fraught and ready to go home.  We concluded with a triumphant finale of (a) Trouble falling on the slate stairs and splitting his lip (b) Lunatic Child winding up Trouble to the point where Trouble chucked a bowl at his head, breaking it on the coffee table and (c) the dog getting into the pig pen and literally COVERED in pig shit whilst we were packing the car.

Just to top it all off, Trouble pooped in his pants at the rest stop on the way home.  I blame Fun Daddy for that one.

I have made Fun Daddy swear on a stack of bibles that next year we will be going somewhere warm and sunny with a Kids Club...

Stuff

Harried Mum hasn't posted in a while.  Sorry chickens.  Things have been busy what with buying houses and the having of busy jobs and nutball children.

This is not due to a lack of material however.  A brief summary of things that have been said and done by my children over the last few months include:

- Barney calling everyone and every thing a poo face.  Incessantly.  For months.  Please, God.  Let this phase end