I wish....

I am finding keeping up with Lunatic Child difficult at the moment. The extra 30lbs and huge baby belly are major contributing factors, of course. It puts me in a wistful mood, and I was contemplating some of the things I am wishing for at the moment.

- I wish Lunatic Child would be still for one nanosecond. Just one. He can't even sit still when you're reading him a story or he is watching TV. He twitches. He wriggles. He writhes. He prods. He climbs. It is SO EXHAUSTING.

- I wish Lunatic Child would not profess his undying love for the kitten immediately prior to trying to step on her, kick her, grab her paws, poke her with a stick, drive his dump truck into her, etc. She is remarkably undaunted by this behavior and responds in kind by attacking his head whenever it's in reach, but still, I don't think he is really understanding the concept of "gentle", and there is going to be a new baby in the house in 4 weeks.

- I wish Lunatic Child would just sit and eat a meal instead of eating 2 bites of toast and then telling me he's made me a boat and therefore can't eat his masterpiece. Or spending 5 minutes attempting to get the perfect sized bite on his fork. "This is too big"! (Food is wiped off fork and onto placemat, or floor.) "This bite is too small"! (He then proceeds to put half his plate on the fork), leading to..."This bite is too big"! Rinse and repeat until I freak out. Or telling me that the only food he desires is a banana, and then eating one bite, only to conclude that he "doesn't like it".

- I wish Lunatic Child would not grunt out a denial that he is pooping whilst red faced and straining. He then runs away and hides rather than get his bum changed. When cornered and brought to the changing table, he wails as if being stabbed with knives. Every single time. I mean, really?

- I wish Lunatic Child would not spend half his time at the park randomly sprinting into the middle distance toward traffic with me puffing after him yelling threats to his bodily integrity if he does not stop this second whilst other parents look on in alarm.

- I wish Lunatic Child would lay down in his bed and go the f*ck to sleep. Tonight, for example. I put him to bed. 20 minutes later, he is wailing. I check. Apparently, he has "bumped his head on the bed". Comfort is administered. I shut the door. I instantly hear him get out of bed and thunder to his bedroom door where he lays down. Hilarious laughter. The kitten is sticking her paws under the door and Lunatic Child finds it HYSTERICAL. I remove the kitten and tell Lunatic Child to get back in bed. I go downstairs. Kitten immediately runs back upstairs to his bedroom door. Lunatic Child immediately gets back out of bed. More hilarity. I shut the kitten in the back room for a bit. Lunatic Child eventually gets into bed and spends another 30 minutes or so talking to himself before finally falling asleep.

I suppose if I think pregnancy is hard, I will really be feeling sorry for myself in a few weeks when Trouble arrives. Sigh.

Feral kitten update....

I felt like the Worst Person In The World, but I had to give up on the feral kittens. They were just so completely awful. I tried and tried and tried but I never even got them to come out from under the bed voluntarily. I was covered in scratches. They would pee on the floor with fright if you startled them. They regarded Lunatic Child as the devil incarnate. I called the woman I got them from and told her she had to take them back. She wasn't very happy and insisted they were totally socialized, and I told her she could come and fish them out from under the bed then. So in the end, back they went. They were just never going to be pets in any meaningful sense, and I didn't want to spend the next 15 years feeding cats I would never see. Undaunted, we immediately contacted another dodgy internet purveyor of kittens. I really wanted a cat!! These particular dodgy kitten purveyors were so keen to divest themselves of their kittens, they drove from Manhattan with a pair of them so we could pick one. They were excruciatingly adorable but looked REALLY small. My kitten fu is not strong, but I thought they were a bit young. When pressed, however, they swore that they were 6 1/2 weeks. So we took a little girl. She is black with white paws and a white tummy. She is meant to be a Siberian cat, and they are supposed to be quite large when grown. They have long hair but apparently don't shed like water buffalo. We shall see given what transpired on how old she actually was!! The next day I couldn't get her to eat any solid food at all. She looked at me like I was from Mars when I presented her with some kitten food. So I took her to the vet, who informed me that she was not a day older than 4 weeks. So. For the last week I have been bottle feeding this kitten 3 times a day and supplementing that with syringes full of mushed up kitten food. She is too small to clean herself properly, so I have also been wiping her little kitty butt. Thank God she seems to have sorted herself out with the litter box, so that's been easy. But otherwise, she is basically my 2nd baby, only 2 months early. I have now been told to start weaning her. The vet made it sound like it was simply a process of putting some food in a dish and letting her have at it. It has not worked this way in practice. You put the food in front of her. She steps in it, tracks it everywhere and then tries to jump in my lap and suckle my elbow. Or crawl up my shirt and suckle my hair. You put her back in front of the food. She steps in it. Wanders around disconsolately for a few seconds getting food everywhere and then tries to jump in my lap and sucke my elbow or crawl up my shirt and suckle my hair. This goes on for some indeterminate messy, frustrating time until I give up and give her a bottle, which she hoovers down in about 30 seconds flat. This afternoon she ate out of the dish for about 2 seconds, then gave up and started nosing around for a bottle. My internet searches have led me to believe that while some cats get the hang of it right away, some of them are a bit slow on the uptake. We got a slow one. I have been doing all the internet search approved kitten weaning techniques, including letting her lick the food off my fingers (She bites! Ouch!) and letting her step in it (This is good, because they lick it off and realize they want more. The jury is out on the efficacy of this. It sure makes a hell of a mess though.) On the upside, she is completely fearless of Lunatic Child and will sit on his lap and chew on his hair and generally treats him like a piece of furniture. Albeit unpredictable, loud furniture giving to shouting "Hi kitty. What are you doing!!!" at the top of its lungs. He has been fairly good about being gentle with her so far, although I wouldn't leave them alone together. She is sweet and affectionate. In fact, she will climb your leg to get on your lap. She likes to attack feet and ankles, which is dangerous as she's so small I fear inadvertently squashing her. In any event, we think we will stick with this one. Fun Daddy had the honor of naming her...Queen Elizabeth II, or Queenie. Mostly we just call her kitty. Now we are just waiting for the next baby to arrive!! 8 weeks to go.