Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Harried Holidays

Well, the Reids have returned from another 'holiday' .  I use the word advisedly.  Traveling with 2 kids and a dog and staying in the Lakes District in April, does not, in my book, qualify as a relaxing vacation.  We essentially packed up all our shit, dragged it up to the Lakes District where it all became completely covered in mud, and then went home and washed it all.

Having said that, the dog was definitely living his best life.  We went for long walks every day, which the dog enjoyed the hell out of.  So many new smells!  And we stayed on a farm.  The cows were VERY interesting.  The pigs were VERY interesting.  The farm dog was VERY interesting and also slightly intimidating...He was very happy.

Lunatic Child and Trouble also had a great time.  We had one day of beautiful weather and went for a walk along one of the lakes.  There were so many rocks to throw into the water and so little time!  Lunatic Child found a dead frog, and it may have been the highlight of his young life.  Trouble dropped a massive deuce on the beach, which we quietly buried and then snuck away.  Trouble gives you about 30 seconds' notice between stating a need to poop and then actually doing it.  There's barely time to get the trousers down most of the time, but at least he's now telling you instead of sneaking off into a corner and doing it in his underwear.  We took a boat trip on a lake one day, which to be honest went on about 2 hours longer than it should have for the attention span of the kids, but live and learn.  We also took a tour of a slate mine, which was a disaster.  It was ridiculously cold and extremely slow moving.  Lunatic Child was not impressed and said so, loudly and repeatedly.  Which was ideal considering there were about 8 people on the tour, including Lunatic Child and Trouble.

Nature was omnipresent on our holiday, and Lunatic Child saw the Circle of Life in its entirety, without us intending to have introduced him to such concepts as sex, birth and death...  In addition to the dead frog, we came across a dead lamb, which Lunatic Child was oddly complacent about.  I don't think he understands that it's permanent.  I decided not to wade into those waters quite yet, as we had enough to be getting on with considering all the sex and birth.  We went to the cow shed to look at the calves, and a cow was LITERALLY dropping a calf that second.  You could see its head coming out her vagina.  Lunatic Child asked if she was pooping it out.  Again, I was not prepared to explain the mechanics of birth.  Oops.  In addition, whilst Lunatic Child and I were out for a walk, we came across some donkeys in a field having copious and frenetic sex.  So, the holiday was quite educational  in that regard.

By the end, however, everyone was a bit tired and fraught and ready to go home.  We concluded with a triumphant finale of (a) Trouble falling on the slate stairs and splitting his lip (b) Lunatic Child winding up Trouble to the point where Trouble chucked a bowl at his head, breaking it on the coffee table and (c) the dog getting into the pig pen and literally COVERED in pig shit whilst we were packing the car.

Just to top it all off, Trouble pooped in his pants at the rest stop on the way home.  I blame Fun Daddy for that one.

I have made Fun Daddy swear on a stack of bibles that next year we will be going somewhere warm and sunny with a Kids Club...

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