Monday, March 20, 2017


I have never been a morning person.  My ideal morning involves sleeping until I don't want to sleep anymore, wandering out of bed, having a long hot shower followed by a long, hot cup of coffee and maybe perusing the paper.  In my current existence, this is as likely to happen as winning the lottery.  Less likely, in fact.

As it happens, my morning routine is now as follows:

6am - Trouble wanders into the bedroom.  Shouts 'MORNING, MUM!!!  BREAKFAST TIME?'  If it's a weekday I'm usually trying to dry my hair.  If it's the weekend, this is considered a lie in.  I've given up on trying to complete make up before leaving the house and do this in the loo at work.

6:15am - Trouble and I are heading downstairs for breakfast.

6:16am - The cat is outside frantically demanding to be let in.  The dog is inside frantically demanding to be let out.  They exchange places.

6:20am - The dog is outside frantically demanding to be let in.  The cat is acting like she hasn't been fed in a week.

6:21am - The dog is inside acting like he hasn't been fed in a week.

6:25am - Cat has been fed.  Dog is out for a walk with Fun Daddy. Trouble has demanded peanut butter toast.

6:30am - I have been trying to make a cup of coffee for 15 minutes.  I haven't succeeded.

6:35am - Trouble has his toast and juice.  I have usually managed to procure a coffee at this point and sometimes a smoothie.

6:36am - Harried Mum checks the school bags, because no one ever does this but me.  Lunatic Child needs 2 pounds to pay for some weird singing lessons.  I have to write in his home communication journal.  I have to write in Trouble's home communication journal.  There are usually 17 notices from school about various dress up days, bake sales, PTA meetings and school carnivals.  I have to write this all down in the 2 calendars we are currently keeping in the house to try and keep track of it all.

6:40am - What are we having for dinner tonight?  Who knows?  Harried Mum takes some random things out of the freezer.  Sometimes I forget this step and that's when we have Chinese takeaway!  Delicious!

6:45am - Harried Mum needs to collect yoga gear, the shoes I will wear at the office, purse, keys, phone, etc.  I can never find the damn shoes I want to wear to the office.  I look under the bed, in my closet, in the shoe basket downstairs.  I blame the children.  I blame Fun Daddy.  I later find them in a drawer at work.

6:50am - Fun Daddy returns from walking the dog, Harried Mum kisses everyone goodbye whilst trying not to get covered in peanut butter and leaves for work.

Usually Lunatic Child is not up by this point (he's a good boy!), but if he is, rinse and repeat with demands for peanut butter toast etc. somewhere in that timeline.

I have not finished a cup of coffee, ever.  If I take too long in the shower I get a stern lecture from Fun Daddy.  My body is so inured to lack of sleep that I voluntarily wake up at 5:45am every day, which is a sentence I never thought I would type in my life.

So, as Mother's Day approaches, I consider what I want from the men in my life.  And it is 8 hours uninterrupted sleep, breakfast in bed with the paper....and an expensive handbag.

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